Hi, my name is Riva.
The name ‘Ruby Garnay’ came to me in a dream one night. It reminds of a free-spirited European aristocrat, rebelliously bounding across a piazza and I just want to yell out to her, “GO Ruby Garnay, you got this!” She’s my inspiration. Maybe if I take some time to look back I’ll understand how to move forward.
I always look for people’s life themes- I think my husbands is luck, my brothers is bringing people together. I’m not sure what mine is. My brother thinks it’s being free.
For the past few weeks, ever since I decided to get all my journals out of storage and bring them back to LA with me I’ve been paralyzed. Every time I start to look at them, or read them, or think about them, I immediately walk over to the couch and curl up into a ball for a long nap. There are around 30 books. I say ‘around’ because some of them I burned years ago. (When I was 16 I fell in love for the first time and it didn’t turn out well. I wanted to erase that part of my life so one day I destroyed all my journals from that time.) So now, I have around 30.
I had no idea back then that I would end up in such a normal life. As a child, I never dreamt of getting married or having a family. Everything seemed so complicated. Sometimes I fantasized about ending up in a mental hospital. I imagined my family and friends visiting me there. It felt normal. Or, sometimes I would daydream about finding my way to an artist’s commune. I thought, either one would do. I didn’t think I had much choice in my future. I never imagined having a wedding or buying a house or birthing a child.
I don’t know how I got here; most of my life is a blur. I often blame it on all the drugs I took.
I don’t really know what this life journey is all about. I feel like it’s that ancestry show, discover your roots. Like we need to discover our own roots so we can continue to move forward. Maybe if we take some time to look back we all might be able to be free again.